There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
