I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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