I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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