Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
