Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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