One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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