The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize