if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
