she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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