11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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