Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
