I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
