You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
