Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
