I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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