i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
