You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
