I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
