Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
