I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
