And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize