New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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