evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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