I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
