8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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