I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
