I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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