i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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