Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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