How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
