I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
