Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
