im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I need water and some morals
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
