....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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