I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
