Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
