The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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