Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm lost and stupid without you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
