his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
