I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
