i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
