my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
