guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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