First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
