I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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