hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
