It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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