You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
