rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize