The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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