I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
