I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
