In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
