Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
