Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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