my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
