Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
