1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
