So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
